What I Want
What do I want?
Well… besides such and such.
Just someone to spend eternity with, that’s all.
Is that to ask too much?
Imagine, if you will, a small pudgy white boy alone in a small house, on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I was serving a mission for my church in the small island Kingdom of Tonga. My companion, or as I called him my com-pain-ion, was asleep in the other room suffering from puke faka-ngaue (the sickness that conveniently overtakes a person when work is to be done). Like all of the other young men I was paired up with, I was assigned to work with him. He was a local kid who had very little work ethic and liked his sleep.
I want someone patient and smart,
someone who is strong and brave.
Someone kind, someone bold,
someone whose presence I crave.
Because I could not leave him alone, I was stuck in our little house for most of the day and I was starting to go crazy. I was doing all I could do to stay busy: I had listened to the past 5 years worth of talks from Mormon leaders, translated "Any Dream Will Do" into Tongan, and I had even counted the number of rules in the missionary handbook (324 if I remember correctly).
What do I want?
Just an eternal companion.
An eternal companion who loves me,
With a love of no comparison.
It was during this time that I figured I would try my hand at poetry. My com-pain-ion was a well-known songwriter and a good poet and I thought I should give it a try. I mean, I had plenty of time on my hands. I took inspiration from the lists they made us write in Sunday school about what we wanted in a future spouse. I realized that our middle- school aged brains could only come up with superfluous attributes like "My wife will be a good cook" or " My husband will be a doctor" or "My spouse will have a super hawt bod."
I want someone that helps me be better.
Someone who speaks honestly.
Someone who isn’t scared to talk,
someone who loves Him more than me.
I had come to realize on my mission that there was way more to a person than just their looks or skills, so I had made a list of real attributes that I thought were important to have in a spouse and What I want was born. It turned out decent enough. I should have focused less on the rhyming and more on the flow and meter, but for my first foray into the world of poetry, I thought it went well.
Who do I want?
I want a beautiful daughter of God
Whose virtue radiates from her soul
and who keeps her hold to the Rod.
I tried to use as much religious symbolism as I could. I think I did so for two reasons. One, religion was a big part of my life at the time and I wanted to use the symbols and motifs that meant a lot to me. "The Rod" is a symbol that comes from the "Tree of Life" story in The Book of Mormon and it has a very strong meaning to Mormons. I wanted to convey my love for my faith at the same time as finding someone who felt the same way. Secondly, I figured that the understanding of those symbols was another attribute that I was looking for and that anyone who understood what I was getting at deserved a chance at my love.
So, who do I want?
Well, let me see…..
I want an eternal companion
who also happens to want me.
At this point I put it away, never to be looked at again until I had returned home from my mission. I did, however, keep this poem in the back of my mind as I looked around at many potential eternal mates.
I don’t want an eternal companion,
I simply just need one.
That is the whole point of life, right?
Just find her and I’ll be done.
I pulled it out one day when, after a few weeks of dating this girl, I was thinking about marriage. I was amazed to find that she surpassed all of my requirements. I could see myself marrying this girl, but I felt like I was forgetting something.
But there is more to it than that.
There is way more to it than finding.
Not only must I find, but while I look,
I must work on my becoming.
I couldn't figure out why I felt so weird, but then I had a thought that maybe she also had a list that she was comparing me to. Was I passing all of her tests? Was I all that she wanted? I thought.
Becoming the one that she wants,
no, becoming who she needs.
Becoming better than I was yesterday.
And pulling many of my life’s weeds.
It was only fair that if I was going to hold her to such a standard, I had to hold myself to a high standard as well.
So the day comes that I find her.
Hopefully, that’s sooner than later.
The hard part is, now here’s the kicker,
Will I be the right one for her?
So I continued to add on to What I Want until I found that it was not only a fair statement of my feelings, but I also had more accountability on my part. I continued on in the same rhyme scheme and stanza length, but where the first part of the poem was focused on what I wanted in a future spouse, these next few stanzas took a more introspective turn as I looked at myself to see if I deserved all I wanted. The change in tone, mixed with the same structure as before, gave the sense that although I was the same person as before, I had gained a new perspective that changed what I wanted.
That’s what it boils down to.
This is not a one-way street.
We must study each other out
To see if we’ll compete or complete.
Where the first section sounded very convoluted and self-centred, I wanted to focus more on her and us in the next few sections. I continued in faith that she would be all that I needed and wanted, but I also tried to emulate the same traits that I wanted in her.
I’m not looking for perfection,
hopefully, she isn’t either.
If that is all we really wanted, we’d search forever,
but never find each other.
I figured that we had the same desires: a temple marriage, a family, happiness; so I assumed that she would expect the same things that I expected from her. I did my best to do so, even if some of the stanzas seemed wordy and inconsistent. I feel that it added to the effect that this girl had on my mind: I couldn't seem to think straight or have consistent thoughts because she was turning my world upside down.
I’ll never ever find perfection
Because I will always be far from flawless.
So we will look for, and be, who we need,
And hopefully find never-ending solace.
This theme of turning my world upside down was a theme that I found very compelling and so for the last part of the poem, I put myself to the test to the same test I had given her.
So, who does she want?
Nothing too much.
Just someone to spend eternity with.
Will I be worthy of such?
I tried my best to be my best. We continued to date and the more we dated, the more I fell for her.
Am I patient and smart?
Am I strong and brave?
Am I a kind and bold person?
Am I someone that she craves?
I soon found myself in love, and to my delight, the feelings were reciprocated. As I looked for what I wanted, or at this point needed, I worked on being those same traits for her.
What does she want?
She wants an eternal companion.
An eternal companion that loves her
With a love without comparison.
I found myself being a better person. I was kinder, more focused, and I grew more during that time than any other time in my life.
Am I someone who helps her be better?
Is honesty what I prefer?
Am I someone who isn’t scared to talk?
Do I love Him more than her?
That last line meant a lot to me. I had heard the story of a woman denying marriage proposals because they didn't love Him (God) more than her. I felt that was very poignant, enough to put it on my list. As I was dating this girl, she had met all of my expectations, but I was hesitant about this one. I didn't know if she loved me more than God and I was getting anxious because I didn't know. However, one day she wrote me a letter and in it, she said, "The only people I love more than you are Jesus Christ and God Himself." It was then that I realized that she was the one for me.
Who does she want?
She wants a handsome son of God,
Whose virtue beams from his soul
And who keeps his hold on the Rod.
And so after a while, I knelt down in a puddle and asked her the most important question I have ever asked anyone. It was then that I realized that I met all of her requirements.
So, who does she want?
Well, hopefully me.
She just wants the eternal companion,
That I am trying to be.
And then I read this poem to her at our wedding.
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